To the Esteemed and Revered, Donald J. Trump – President of the United States and Leader of the Free World – Brilliant Business Man and Extremely Intelligent Person – Best Dealmaker in the History of Mankind
Dear Mr. President:
Aware as I am of the enormous burden of ruling the country and keeping all the other countries in the world in line with our best interest, I feel compelled to write you regarding some very important matters of which I feel you should be aware.
Some of our citizens are ungrateful for the sacrifices you make each day in ignoring your enormous empire of business enterprises while so graciously dedicating your entire attention and diligence to assuring that we 300 million people are receiving the best life experience that one can desire or ever even imagine.
They even accuse you of violating the emoluments clause in the constitution, just because you direct so many millions of dollars of business to hotels and resorts bearing your name. Pure jealousy on the part of these misinformed accusers. They fail to acknowledge that these paying guests are anxious to be a part of your entourage and are grateful that you deny other would-be guests the privilege of lodging within these luscious establishments.
In displaying their ingratitude for your sacrifices, they choose to make salacious remarks about your character, declaring that you are narcissistic, ignorant, idiotic, imbecilic, moronic, hedonistic, egotistical, self-centered, dishonest, unintelligent, dictatorial, rude, demeaning, fraudulent, untruthful, braggadocious, pretentious, pompous, and other characteristics not suitable for publication.
It has even been suggested that some of your cabinet members have been responsible for some of these remarks, which are even more outrageously demeaning of your benevolent and personable nature and damaging to your valued and highly-regarded personal esteem.
We are all aware of your overwhelming success as the world’s greatest businessman, totally self-made except for a few hundred million dollars of inheritance. Along with running your vast business enterprise and your busy schedule of campaigning, tweeting and golfing, as well as the troubling annoyance of that ridiculous Mueller investigation, I doubt that you have time to search for the meaning of all these big words which so unkindly refer to your character. So, to sort of simplify the process so that you get the essence of the attitude of these ungrateful people, we should discuss a more common term, “sausage.” You know, not the stuff made by our elected officials, but the stuff made by the hog farmers.
I imagine, considering your “healthy” appearance, that you may know about sausage, however, it could be assumed that, considering your privileged upbringing, you would be more familiar with parts “higher on the hog,” such as pork chops, pork ribs or pork shoulder, rather than parts like pigs feet, sow belly, bacon and such.
You know, hog processors take all the parts of the hog that look bad, smell bad and taste bad and grind them up with stuff that make them look good, smell good and taste good, and then sell it to us for healthy and nutritious food. They call it “sausage.” So, if someone accuses you of making sausage out of our legislation, law enforcement and social programs, as well as our relationship with all the other nations in the world, now you have an idea of what they mean and the serious nature of these accusations which they phrase with such salacious-sounding words.
And, I might mention, like all your other enterprises, you would have been a great hog farmer and meat processor, not only in your ability for making sausage, but in your ability of attracting attention to yourself and your sausage and convincing us that your sausage is the best that money can buy, just like we feel that you are the best president that money can buy. Besides, your pal, Putin, could make head roads for your products in Russia. He knows about making sausage himself. This could be an international enterprise funded by Russia, such as other enterprises you have been accused of funding there.
But don’t be deterred – like the old-timers used to say, “a little sausage never hurt anybody.”